Rather than posting on internet communities, I decided to write a journal on my blog. I have been going through a lot, although my life progress was going nowhere. My mental health care has been completely messed up due to a possible misdiagnosis, which caused a wrong kind of medication prescription. Maybe I never needed any antipsychotics.
I will be 46 next month and I don't feel great. I achieved practically nothing since I got my degree at CSUF. Truth be told I barely got through the college while going through crushing depression.
Now, I am readjusting to the medication that I restarted in last December. I feel mostly stable now, except that I am have a bad gut feeling right now. I have a bad hunch, except that it's not necessarily about myself. So I decided to stay at home for the rest of the night.
Once I told myself I am comfortably screwed. With 100% permanent and total disability, I get paid by Uncle Sam until I die. I feel grateful, but not happy. I feel like I am a total failure, and I confront a lot of occasions that work like roadblocks. Sometimes it's my own fault, or sometimes it's from something beyond my control. I could have been in a steady state if I didn't switch my medication to experiment with different ones last Fall, and it wrecked my creativity and productivity.
It's so easy to lose confidence when your casual decisions can wreck your plans and everything. And it takes a lot of efforts and time just to go back to the square one.
Labels: bipolar, CSUF, Latuda, mental health, psychiatry, psychology
